If you are hoping for an uplifting message of clarity with weight struggles here, you may not find it…
I had an appointment to see my doctor today.
The tech asked me, “do you mind if we weigh you?”
I bristled and thought, “hell, yes, I mind!”… but instead, I chuckled and said, “do I have to?”, and I stepped on the scale.
When I saw that number, my mind started to swirl, my vision tunneled, and all conversation started to sound so very far away…
All I could think about was that number. And how could I have possibly let myself go, and that much?!?!
As I sat there and answered the doctors questions, my mind just kept coming back to that number…
“So, how long ago did you start noticing these symptoms?”
…. 8 lbs since your appointment in November! Seriously, Jen!?!?….
“And is there a certain time of day that you notice them more often?”
….that’s 20 pounds since last year!! Are you f’ing kidding me!! How did you let yourself go so badly?? No wonder none of your clothes fit, you are so disgusting….
“I suspect I know what’s going on. May a run a few tests?”
….is it possible that my weight fluctuations over this past year, be causing these symptoms? You totally did this to yourself!….
“Everything looks good. Nothing serious is going on. I know that you are not keen on taking medications. But would you like to try something, as needed?”
….20 lbs!!! I can’t believe that I am back at the same weight I was before I started (this fitness/nutrition program)!! What will it take to stop this struggle?? You are so unoriginal and cliché. You think you have it all figured out, but you most certainly don’t!….
“I suspect that these symptoms will go away on their own. But please let us know if they have not.”
“Thank you, doctor. I will.”
I left my appointment, called and updated my husband, went home, and instead of going for a leisurely run (like I had originally planned), I ate lunch, and followed it up with chocolates in front of the television, instead.
The funny thing is that I actually enjoy running.
But I feel as if I have failed my body. I have failed myself. My workout clothes are too tight, and I just can’t deal with the feeling of my excess pounds weighing me down as I run. I literally have to start over.
And it’s very hard.
I don’t want to go back to that place where I am scrutinizing the numbers on the scale, and my caloric intake. I don’t want to feel that pressure where if I miss a workout, I have to make it up.
So I had just stopped. All of it.
I stopped caring. I just wanted to focus on everything BUT fitness and food.
But the thing is, deep down, I still do care!
So when I met my trigger today (the scale), I can’t help but feel all of the emotions that go along with it!!
How do you get past all of this?
How do you change your brain to focus from fitness and food for weight loss and management….
… to a healthier mentality where food and fitness are experiences to savor and enjoy, for what they are??
I don’t know.
I used to know.
But right now, today, I just don’t know… I went “too deep” this time…
What I do know is this….
When I brought my children home from school today, my daughter asked me to make her a smoothie.
I filled up her and her brothers’ smoothie cups.
And his cup had one sip more in it than her cup.
She tried to even it out, and just made a mess, and it still wasn’t perfectly level.
So she threw an absolute tantrum. Sobbing, snorting, tears.
My response; “Just take what you have. You cannot expect perfectionism all the time!”
… hmm… sounds like I need to take my own advice!!!
Maybe instead of throwing a hissy fit for not being able to maintain a level of perceived perfectionism, I need to just accept the facts that lay before me, and work with what I have… rather than with what I want to have!
(And, needless to say, next time, I will be stepping on the scale backwards, and avoid all this nonsense negative self talk!!)